Humans are inherently social individuals, and healthy relationships are an important part of our wellbeing. They form how we spend our time, what we do in our day, and internally, how we feel about ourselves. In occupational therapy, we talk about how our roles, routines, and relationships influence our ability to meaningful and balanced lives. To have healthy relationships we need to understand our wants, needs, and values, and this forms the basis of boundaries.
Many people find boundaries difficult to understand, and even harder to implement. However, learning how to develop and maintain a healthy boundary, and understand what that boundary means to you, can have a significant impact on your mental health, relationships, and your overall quality of life.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a personal limit that defines what you are comfortable with, and how you would like to be treated by others. It often reflects your values, and takes into consideration your wants and needs. Boundaries are important to protect our time, energy, mental and emotional wellbeing, and our physical space.
There are different types of boundaries, including:
- Emotional boundaries- what you feel responsible for, and what belongs to others (such as emotions, thoughts, or actions)
- Time boundaries- what you decide to prioritise with your time, the balance between work,
- personal life, relationships, and yourself.
- Physical boundaries- your personal space and the environment around you.
- Communication boundaries- how you speak with others and how they speak to you
- Role boundaries- what is your responsibility, and what is not.
There can be a common misconception, that having a boundary is a form of aggression, or a way of controlling those around us, and it can create fear or worry about how we might be perceived if we implement a boundary. Instead, boundaries help create clear, respectful relationships where everyone understands each other’s needs and limits.
Boundaries help to prevent feelings of overwhelm, burnout or resentment, and in fact strength healthy relationships. They are important for our mental wellbeing.
Signs That Your Boundaries might be too loose:
- There are many reasons that we might have loose boundaries, such as being told as a child to be compliant or to “do what you are told” without questioning.
- It might be that you feel other’s needs and wants are more important then your own, and so you put your needs aside continually for others.
- Too flexible or unclear boundaries, can lead to feelings of overwhelm or being taken advantage of.
- It might also result in you feeling tired or burnout in a way that physical rest cannot restore.
- In other ways it might come out through physical impacts on your body, as our bodies struggle to manage holding long-term stress.
Signs of loose boundaries might include:
- Frequently saying “yes” when you are uncertain or want to say no
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions or problems
- Difficulties asking for help or expressing your needs.
- Feeling resentful, drained, or burnout in relationships
- Overcommitting your time or energy (people might comment on how “busy” you always are)
- Feeling guilty when you prioritise your wants or needs.
Loose boundaries often develop from a desire to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or to feel accepted or a sense of belonging.
Signs that your boundaries might be too rigid:
- At the other end of the spectrum, boundaries can sometimes become too rigid.
- This might result from a protection mechanism designed to keep you safe, but instead it can distance you from relationships.
- It might come from a place of needing to stand up for yourself, otherwise your wants or needs might go unmet.
Signs of rigid boundaries might include:
- Difficulty trusting or relying on others
- Avoiding vulnerability or emotional closeness
- Quickly withdrawing from relationships when challenges arise.
- Strong discomfort with compromise
- Feeling the need to handle everything independently
Healthy boundaries sit somewhere in the middle, it allows connection with others, while also protecting your wellbeing. Healthy boundaries can be hard to learn, and at first, you might find it a challenge to find that balance.
Why are boundaries so hard?
There are many reasons why we struggle with boundaries, some include:
- Fear of conflict or rejection
- People-pleasing to keep connection with others
- Past experiences, particularly in our childhood where our needs were dismissed or criticised
- Cultural or family expectations about our roles and responsibilities.
- Difficulties understanding our own needs, limits, or values.
- Difficult emotions arise when prioritising ourselves.
Like many things, boundaries are often learnt in childhood through modelling. For many people, boundaries were never modelled or taught, requiring practice later in life to learn and adopt them.
How can Occupational Therapy Help?
Occupational therapy focuses on helping people participate in activities and roles that matter to them. When boundaries are unclear, it can affect many areas of life, including work, relationships, daily routines, and self-care. Particularly the balance between these areas might be affected.
An occupational therapist can help by:
Supporting you to identify your values, roles, and prioritises
Explore patterns in your relationships and daily routine
Develop communication strategies to be able to express your wants and needs
Build confidence in decision-making and assertive communication
Support with emotional regulation when boundaries feel comfortable.
Create routines that balance rest, relationships, and meaningful activities with the necessary tasks of life.
Strategies for developing healthy boundaries:
1. Notice the discomfort
This is often the first sign that a boundary is needed
It might include sensations of:
Resentment
Frustration
Exhaustion
A sense of obligation rather than choice
2. Clarify your limits
Reflect on what limits do you need in place to feel safe, respected, and balanced.
Consider:
What am I comfortable with here?
What feels fair or sustainable for me?
What would I prefer to happen next time?
3. Communicate the boundary
Boundaries are most effective when communicated in a clear and respectful manner
Consider:
The best method of communication
The most appropriate person to communicate to
What you would like to communicate
4. Expect some discomfort
It’s normal to experience some discomfort, particularly at first, and if people are used to you being a “yes person”
5. Other people’s reactions are not your responsibility
Sometimes people may not like a boundary, and they may react negatively to your communication of one. However, it does not mean that your boundary is wrong. People may have their own rigid or loose boundaries, and when you implement a boundary, they might experience discomfort and not know how to deal with it, and look to you to manage their emotions. Remember- how they feel is not your responsibility or something that you can change for them. Just as we are responsible for addressing our emotions, they are responsible for addressing theirs.
A skill that develops over time: Learning boundaries is a skill, it continues to improve with practice and support. Small steps can lead to healthier relationships, improved balance, and greater confidence in your self and life.
If you would like more support around healthy boundary setting, please reach out to us here at Lifeworks.
Rachel Hopkins (OT)
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